Somewhere Between Busy and Burnt Out

I keep telling myself I’m not tired. And physically, I’m really not. My body, however, seems to have filed a formal complaint.

This summer has been a lot of moving pieces. Work. School. An internship. Early mornings. Late nights. Trying to maintain some semblance of a social life. Trying to figure out what I actually want. Trying to keep up with everything I’ve convinced myself I need to keep up with.

At the beginning of my internship, my schedule was all over the place. Eventually, I settled into a 5 a.m. to 1 p.m. shift, which meant getting up at 3 a.m. Yes, three. And somehow, I thrived on it. There was something about having a schedule, getting up before most people were even thinking about getting out of bed, going to work, coming home and still having an entire day ahead of me. I liked being busy. I’ve always liked being busy.

But somewhere along the way, busy stopped feeling like the same kind of busy.

I don't physically feel exhausted. My brain is a completely different story. Mentally, I feel like someone shook up a snow globe and then forgot to put it down. Everything is moving.

And maybe that is part of getting older. Or maybe it’s part of this past year catching up with me. Either way, I can feel the difference.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about medication and the weird relationship we can have with something that is supposed to help us. For me, it has been a double-edged sword. When I think about myself and my life with medication, I can recognize ways that I feel healthier. More balanced. More capable of actually being present in my own life.

But at the same time, I swear it slows me down.

And when you are someone who has spent years being fueled by movement, productivity, and the constant feeling that there is something else to do, slowing down can feel less like peace and more like losing a piece of yourself.

Maybe I’m still figuring out how to be productive without needing to run myself into the ground. That might be the lesson I’m supposed to be learning.

Then there’s school.

I’ve already managed to cause a heated discussion in one of my classes. Honestly? I’m not surprised. I cannot stand this professor. And it isn't because she challenges people. I actually like being challenged. I like conversations where people disagree. I like having to defend what I think.

What I don't like is feeling like someone is preaching instead of teaching.

There is a difference. There is also something to be said about getting older and losing whatever filter you once had. Because damn it, sometimes it is really hard not to be a smartass. I’m trying.

Keyword: trying.

Maybe college is supposed to teach me more than whatever is written in the syllabus. Maybe part of going back to school at this point in my life is learning how to disagree without immediately wanting to say exactly what is running through my head.

Or maybe I’m just learning that I really need to choose my battles.

We’ll see how that goes.

Thankfully, work has been the good part.

I genuinely love my job. I like what I’m doing. I like learning. I like the environment. And I really enjoy most of the people I work with. I say most because I haven't met everyone yet, so I'm leaving room for the rest of the cast to be introduced.

If I could change one thing, though? People could show up a little earlier than five minutes before their shift.

That's probably a me problem.

Thank you, Navy.

Apparently, the expectation that you should arrive early and be ready to go before the actual start time has been permanently installed into my brain.

But aside from my inability to understand why everyone isn't early to everything, I really am enjoying this chapter. And that's important. Because sometimes you don't realize how much you needed to enjoy where you are until you finally do.

I had a conversation with a friend this morning about friendships. Specifically, the ones that fade.

Some friendships fade because life happens. People move. Jobs change. Families grow. Priorities shift. You stop talking as often, and eventually you realize you haven't talked in months.

That doesn't necessarily mean anyone did anything wrong.

And then there are the other friendships. The ones that fade because someone doesn't really know how to be a friend.

That's a different kind of ending.

I've been thinking a lot about how much of our lives we spend trying to fit ourselves into spaces we have already outgrown. Trying to be liked. Trying to keep people around. Trying to make something work because it used to work. Trying to convince ourselves that history automatically means compatibility.

It doesn't.

I'm learning to become more comfortable in my own skin.

And maybe that means being more selective about who gets to be around me. Not because I think I'm better than anyone. Not because everyone has to think the way I do. But because there is something incredibly freeing about being around people who match your energy instead of constantly trying to adjust yours to fit theirs.

I don't want friendships where I have to wonder where I stand. I don't want relationships where I feel like I'm constantly proving my worth. And I definitely don't want to keep shrinking pieces of myself just to make someone else comfortable.

Maybe growing up is realizing that walking away doesn't always mean there was a villain. Sometimes it just means the relationship no longer fits the people you've become.

So here I am.

Summer is ending. School is starting again. My schedule is a mess. My brain is somewhere between motivated, overwhelmed, curious, irritated, and ready for a nap I probably won't take.

I'm still figuring out how to balance work and school and life and everything else I've decided to put on my plate. I'm still learning how to slow down without feeling like I'm falling behind. I'm still learning when to speak, when to shut up, and when to simply walk away.

And I'm still learning that being busy isn't the same thing as being fulfilled.

Maybe that's what this season has really been about.

Not doing more. Not proving more. Not fitting more into a day.

Just figuring out what is actually worth my energy.

Because apparently, I have finally realized that I don't have an unlimited supply.

And honestly?

About damn time.